Is this growth?
I’m in a new space. Not the space I want to be in, so I’m fighting against the enticing pull to compare and shame myself for falling short. ‘Be grateful and believe in your process,’ I hear my higher self say. To be honest, I’m struggling to hold on to that.
I decided to try dating again. I actually want to practice small talk, a skill I haven’t developed for all the reasons introverts don’t. And, I’m excited to put into practice what I’ve learned about myself. Give myself a chance to let someone in. I’m not a misanthrope after all. I don’t want to be alone. It’s just early life experiences programmed me to prefer my own company — for safety.
I tried a few dating apps, getting likes, matches but I wasn’t bursting at the seams to connect with anyone. Hope faded, loneliness stacked, and so I impulsively exchanged numbers with a match I hadn’t really conversated with thru Tinder. He called me and we briefly talked about work, where we live and spiritually. He sent pics of his tattoos, asked me to send pics of mine. Then he asked ‘Where are all your piercings?’ and I felt the conversation shift. Then a di** pic. I got off the phone, blocked him and deleted Tinder (for now).
What is this process I’m in the midst of?
I do see growth. I’m writing. I’m taking really good care of my health and body. I’m reaching out for help at work. And I’m finally talking. But I still struggle with finances and meeting my vision of home. Home — a trigger for me as it aligns with safety — which is linked to my abandonment wound.
Damn, that wound is persistent.
